The Idiot's Guide To Consuming Madness
by Legend Maker
Summary: For my first fic here, I wanted to do something really good and original. But I couldn't think of anything, so I just ripped off one author's idea for another author's fic. Hope you find it funny! I'm gonna go hide from Ash now.


The Idiot's Guide To Consuming Madness ****

The Idiot's Guide To Consuming Madness

There are many good Dragon Ball Z stories on this section of the net. One of the most praised is Ash the Wanderer's Consuming Madness, a story of love, violence, humour, violence and a heart-eating female version of Buu. Many have said it deserves to be made into an anime itself. That got me thinking. Another author, Matt Cruea, has amused many by doing his "Idiot's Guides" to various aspects of Dragon Ball Z. So I figured, why don't I shamelessly rip him off and do an "Idiot's Guide" for one of the most popular Dragon Ball stories, Consuming Madness?

What? I'm a 3rd gen author! I'm cursed to be unable to think of good original ideas! That's your ruling, not mine, so it must be true!

Anyway, here we go.

A lovely day in the Dragon Ballverse, which automatically means much destruction is forthcoming. Bulma and Bra are playing in a park, which is to say Bra is running around begging for sugar and Bulma is sitting on a bench, like many mother/child couples. Bra gets ice cream, then decides the best way to eat it is to wander through a section of woods in the park, conviently where no one else is around.

And as they say on late shows, heeeeeeeeerrrrrreeeeeee's AGONY! Oh wait no, that's Johnny Carson. None the less, Agony shows up having just gotten her version of a makeover, courtesy of her mortal enemy Erik. However, she quickly realizes dripping blood and gore hasn't been in since the Second World War and quickly switches back to her original look of streaked hair and eyes that would supposedly drive a mortal man insane. Except no mortal man gets to look at Agony's eyes, because she tends to be too busy ripping out your heart, showing it to you, shoving it down your throat, pulling it out your rear, and then bashing in your head with it. Hence, no man goes insane looking into Agony's eyes. I demand you produce facts to back up this statement Mr. Wanderer! Oh yeah, the guide.

Anyway, Agony makes a smashing entrance by killing Bra, although Ash shows surprising restraint in not showing the violent death (Of course, he would chuck that restraint out the window for the next seven chapters.) Agony then wanders off, and of course no one notices a female dripping blood and gore walking out of the park, so she's long gone when Bulma arrives and sees what's left of her daughter. This drives her into a catatonic state for the rest of the story. To which I cheer, I can't stand her. The only good thing she ever did was giving birth to Mirai Trunks. Excuse me while I pause to drool. *drools* Ok, I'm done.

Anyway, at this point Erik shows up. Erik is Agony's mortal enemy, and he has come to the Dragon Ballverse to stop Agony from commiting more crimes. He helps the Z Warriors with this by doing constant dramatic speeches, looking at maps to see if Agony is walking in a V pattern, and falling off Goku's shoulders when he finally gets near Agony. Oh, and feeling guilt. Erik's big on the guilt. He also has the amazing power, as he demonstrates at the end of the first chapter, to scream at the top of his lungs and have no one notice. Unique. He may have other powers, but by the time he gets to fight Agony, she's munched on a few billion souls and several Z Warriors, and hence is a god. He promptly gets his ass handed to him. You know, for being her mortal enemy, he sure didn't do much.

Ok, he throws the Genki Dama that winds up killing Agony. Back to the guide!

Chapter 2 begins with Vegeta making his appearance. However, it appears that before he showed up, Vegeta must have been locked in a room with a bunch of immortal hippies for ten or so years, because this is the New and Improved Sensitive Vegeta. You might not think so, but wait until he sees Bulma. Its called incontrovertible proof. Vegeta quickly switches back to normal and shoots off fireworks before Gohan knocks him out with a needle. This also apparently has the side effect of keeping people from feeling emotions, as Vegeta rather calmly says he will see his daughter's corpse when he wakes up. Wacky hijinks happen which leads to Gohan going off to check out Agony sightings. He wishes he hadn't. Meanwhile, Agony is killing more people. You'd think that with her complete lack of subtlety, someone would be able to follow her trail besides the Z Warriors, but no. The cops in this world are even dumber then the ones in real life.

Marron shows up, as Ash butchers the timeline and personality of Goten to match them up as a couple. Oh yes, and Goten likes to play the guitar. Did you ever see Goten with a guitar in DBZ? Oh yeah, the guide. Marron finishes her appearence by doing nothing. Oh, and for some reason, Videl and Bulma became friends because they're visiting Bulma. They do nothing also.

We go to Goten, who is fishing for some reason. However, he is not using the Son Way™ by just diving in and grabbing the fish, therefore he is catching nothing. Goten sings some songs that are utterly hilarious, and gets so wound up in them that he flies up, just before Agony walks across the bridge. Lucky. Maybe he was tipped off by something. Maybe his guitar decided the scene needed even more elements of a horror film and started playing creepy music. "CH CH CH AH AH AH". Oh yeah, the guide.

Vegeta is grieving outside the morgue when Erik shows up. Erik later gives the reason that he had to be sure Agony was causing the murders. If he knows her so well, why didn't he just turn on the TV and check for killings, instead of going to all the trouble of tracking down a corpse? Anyway, Vegeta thinks Erik killed Bra, and smacks him around a bit before Erik manages to knock him out with a tazer. Erik indulges himself in his guilt for the chapter and finally decides to turn on a radio. More murders. And more guilt.

Back to Agony, as she finds Lunch in the woods, which automatically makes Lunch maggot food. Of course, Lunch sneezes and then lets Agony have it with about a million bullets. Agony does her version of a Neo impression by yanking the bullets out of her and then throwing them back at Lunch. After a messy death, she starts to eat Lunch. And Ash shows remarkable restraint by keeping Agony from making a million bad puns.

Ah, but of course Lunch is with friends, as Chaozu shows up, automatically making him Chaozu the Doomed™. Ash lets Agony make one bad pun before Chaozu tries to kill Agony. Right, like THAT is likely. Chaozu tries to use his powers to stop Agony from breathing, but by doing so he somehow gets a peek in her mind and is destroyed by what he sees in there. No no, you were supposed to look into her eyes! If those eyes drive men mad, why doesn't Ash ever use them? Agony adds to her fun by ripping Chaozu in half. Only to find a smaller Chaozu inside. No wait, that's a Russian toy.

Tien shows up in typical hero Too Lateness™. As one might expect, he gets a tad pissed at Agony killing his wife and best friend, so he hits her with a full force blast that's so strong it knocks down the trees for miles and presumably kills many kinds of wildlife. Tien is then beaten to death by enviromentalists. No wait, sorry. All Tien can see is smoke, so he assumes Agony is dead. He obviously hasn't watched many horror movies, or seen that there are still six chapters to go. This makes him Tien the Doomed™ , for as you might have guessed, Agony pops out of the smoke and stabs her arm, which have all the flesh burned off, through Tien's throat. Gee, a total lunatic AND good at improvising. Macgyver, eat your heart out. Oh wait, Agony probably did. That's where she got the idea! Must have done it between chapters. Of course, when more good guys show up, Agony is long gone, adding to the list of horror movie charateristics this story has, as Agony apparently has the horror movie villian power to teleport.

The Z Warriors finally realize that something is a tad off, so they start the third chapter…by holding a meeting. Gee, there's a psycho butcher wandering around and they decide to have a meeting. This section must have been infected by FUNimation. Anyway, they speak on Agony, and Erik, who they keep calling the Man in Black. I keep expecting Will Smith to show up and start singing. Elsewhere, Erik is poking through Capsole Corp computers, which conviently has all kinds of files on the Z Warriors and their enemies. Damn, Bulma must be bored in between all the B/V stories that get written. Anyway, the meeting breaks, and Trunks shows up just to see Erik run off. He chases, but Erik uses the power of Author's Character's Subtle Favortism to get away. I'm not knocking Ash, but if you look really hard, he tends to give his characters little bonuses, probably without even realizing it. Oh yeah, the guide.

Elsewhere, Goten and Marron share some touching moments. This apparently disgusts Ash, so he has Agony murder an entire college campus (just kidding!). Once again, the police can't figure out anything. Meanwhile, Trunks cobbles together a device that will tell him where Agony is. Of course, he decides to go after her alone. I thought he was Vegeta's son, not Goku's.

Trunks catches up to Agony. Agony taunts. Trunks snaps and pounds on her. It does nothing. Trunks gets his ass kicked. Goten shows up with his guitar (gee, my friend is in danger! I can't forget my guitar!). He promptly smashes it over Agony's head while calling her "slapnuts". No wait, that's Jeff Jarrett. Trunks and Goten fuse. Gotenks beats Agony around. Agony grows tired of playing and fights back. Gotenks gets his ass kicked and speared. Trunks ends the fusion and sacrifices himself so Goten can get away. I stop writing the guide so I can plot Ash's murder (Nooo! Not Trunks!). Goten of course, doesn't run away. Instead, he blasts Agony. Much smoke. Goten thinks Agony is dead. He doesn't watch horror films either. Surprisingly, it is the guitar that is killed as Agony ambushes Goten. Goten blasts her some more and runs away. 

Cut to Goku, who is quite shocked, while Sensitive Vegeta™ is mourning his son's death. Erik introduces himself, and complains that he didn't get to feel any guilt in this chapter. No wait…

Chapter 4 begins. After the death of Trunks, the Z Warriors decide they have to take action…so they have another meeting. Ash likes his meetings. Erik makes up for his lack of role in the last chapter by talking about a whole bunch of things. In between his talking, Seventeen makes a rare fanfic appearance. But Agony appeared before him, so this automatically makes him Seventeen the Doomed™. Erik eventually wraps up his speech and goes off so he can feel guilt. Various Z Warriors feel fear. Erik puzzles while feeling guilt. Goten wakes up, having recovered rather well for having seen his best friend killed. Vegeta wonders why he isn't getting any scenes.

Meanwhile, Marron has gone off to talk to Seventeen about her relationship with Goten. Gee, that's real smart Marron. There's a lunatic woman with a taste for Z Fighters running around, and she decides to go see her uncle. Alone. In the middle of nowhere. Gee Marron, and you wonder why SO many people write you as an airhead? Dumbass. As you might of guessed, Seventeen is a corpse. Agony chases Marron around, but she is barely saved by her parents, who stay to fight Agony. They actually do pretty well for themselves, before Agony just decides to cheat, and Ash decides he needs more gore. Two messy deaths later, and The Z Warriors are again finding corpses. Marron mourns. Erik feels guilt. Goku yells a lot.

Cut to a morgue. Some techy details on how Krillian and Eighteen died. The Sons and Erik argue, and somehow figure out Agony will be going after Dende. Conviently, Agony has just shown up at Kami Tower.

Chapter 5 begins. Mr. Popo bites it immediately. Agony says evil things. Dende wishes he had genitalia so he could piss himself. Dende is saved from being Dende the Doomed™ by Piccolo, who appears out of nowhere because Ash Deems It Convient. Goku teleports to join Piccolo. Piccolo and Goku fight with Agony. Agony gets smacked around and torn apart. Agony then shows that between chapters, she apparently went to the Sailor Moon Universe and ate Mistress 9, as she extends her hair and uses it as a weapon. Goku and Piccolo feel pain, before Piccolo gets an idea by grabbing Agony's hair. The hair turns out to be a great conductor for electricity as Piccolo uses a whole bunch to get free. I guess that after she ate Mistress 9, she went to the movie universe and ate a T-1000. Or something. Goku and Piccolo fight some more. Agony shrugs it all off and does nasty things, including cutting off Piccolo's legs and stabbing spikes through Goku's feet. Piccolo gets pissed and extends his arms to strangle Agony.This is where I begin to question Piccolo's intelligence. He's torn her apart, impaled her, blown up up, and all sorts of other nasty things, but the second Goku is down and unable to help him he decides that the best course of action is to strangle her. He claims it's because he can't stand her laughter anymore. That must be one annoying laugh. Maybe after Agony ate Mistress 9 in the Sailor Moon Universe, she decided to eat Emeralde as dessert. Anyway, Piccolo's decision, as most of you know, make him Piccolo the Doomed™ as Agony somehow reverses his power and then chops him into pieces with her body. The amazing Agony, she slices, she dices, she makes Piccolo pay the prices, not available in any store. This pisses Goku off, so he goes SSJ3 and blows up all of Kami's Tower. This does nothing but ensure Mr. Popo has a ton of cleaning to do when he comes back.

The other Z Warriors arrive in the classic hero Too Lateness™. Dende and Nameks suddenly get the ability to smell blood because Ash Deems It Convient. This allows them to know Agony ain't dead. That, or Dende noticed there was still three chapters left. Dende's new nose also sniffs out Erik's past. Wow, a nose that reaches beyond time and space! Erik uses this to do yet another speech on himself, and he gets so wrapped up in his past and his mission to protect the innocent that he forgets to feel guilt. With the guilt lying around, Vegeta decides to use it as he finds out that Bulma's mind was so badly damaged she might never wake up (frankly, I can see an up side to it! But that's just me. Damn Bulma). So Sensitive Vegeta decides that his best solution is to kill himself. Brilliant. While this is going on, Gohan invents a gas that causes people to do the exact opposite of whatever they have planned. Hopefully, this will kill Agony.

Erik realizes that Vegeta is going to kill himself and runs off to stop him. He catches him in time, and then Erik expresses _his_ desire to commit suicide by hitting Vegeta. Oh, but Sensitive Vegeta decides to listen, and Erik even manages to ask Vegeta why he never cries. Because he's VEGETA, you…oh yes, this is Sensitive Vegeta, so instead he flies off to think. To think. Hopefully it's how many ways he's going to brutalize Agony.

The remaining Z Warriors finally have a plan, so they…group around a computer trying to figure out Agony's path. Sigh. Anyway, Erik figures out that Agony is walking in a perfect V pattern, "just to spite him". WTF? How does Agony even know Erik is in this world, much less that he would figure out that she's walking in a V pattern? Only because Ash Deems It Convient to get Agony in Satan City, where the rest of the story will take place.

Agony shows up and does many nasty things. Erik and the Z Warriors show up. And as expected, Erik gets to feel guilt and make a short speech before he falls off Goku's shoulders and into a building that Agony collaspes on him. Oh, to have all the preperation go to naught!

Yamcha faces Agony. He gets his ass kicked.

Everyone else blows up Agony. Agony pulls another bone trick and shish-ke-bobs Ubuu, using a power she swiped from Piccolo. She then whacks away all the Z Warriors and goes after Goku. Dende heals Yamcha and Ubuu gets a Senzu.

Goku fights Agony. Agony uses people as her weapons, finally crushing a school bus full of kids and smacking Goku with it, which apparently horrifies him so much he doesn't come back until Ash Deems It Convient.

Yamcha faces Agony again. He gets his ass kicked again.

Ubuu faces Agony. He gets his ass kicked.

Dende tries to help the ass-kicked and gets his ass kicked himself.

Goten shows up as an SSJ3 and kicks Agony's ass with all sorts of Gotenks attacks. He finally blows her up with a combined Finish Buster/Kamehameha. He thinks he's won, which proves he failed to watch any horror movies since Trunks was killed. Agony pops up again, and nearly kills Goten and Marron in a scene I won't spoil for the two people who have yet to read the story. Sensitive Vegeta shows up and kicks Agony's ass all over the place, and I hope he's cast off his trappings. No such luck, as the fight conviently ends up over the hospital where Bulma is staying. Agony tries to blow it up and Vegeta decides the best way to stop her is to charge blindly at her. And he winds up impaling himself on one of Agony's limbs. Then Agony blows up the hosipital anyway. Gee, what a diss.

Gohan shows up and sprays Agony with his gas…which sounds really bad after writing it down. Agony drops Vegeta and chases Gohan, because for some reason, being sprayed with gas really ticks her off. Why? Because Ash Deems It Convient. Sensitive Vegeta rears his ugly head as he somehow finds Bulma's body, which is not only out in the open but lacking any serious mangled parts for having a building fall on her. He then cries. I go throw up before I throw a party over Bulma's demise.

Agony chases Gohan around before Gohan lets her corner him. The gas works as Agony tries to slash him and instead stabs herself. Everyone celebrates over Agony's demise. Which is why its such a great shock when Agony gets right back up and stabs Gohan. She says that while she can't hurt herself, the desire to kill herself is as alien to her as someone else trying the same. So she lived. Poor Gohan the Doomed™ is mauled and then thrown into Goku. Oh yes, Goku finally showed up again after napping for a few hours and helped out by doing absolutely nothing. Goku is shocked and lets himself be knocked off the building. Agony then realizes the power of Gohan's Mystic ability and totally trashes Satan City with it. Her party is interrupted by Vegeta…who is now a Super Saiya-jin Level Four. Ash's story gets finished right there as a bunch of Dragon Ball Z fans murder him for introducing an element of GT into it. Or maybe not. I'm sure plenty wanted to, though. Right? C'mon, back me up here!

Super Saiya-jin Level Four Vegeta faces God Agony. God Agony gets her ass kicked.

God Agony decides to cheat and blows up most of Japan, killing millions so she can steal their souls and become Super Mega God Agony.

Super Mega God Agony faces Super Saiya-jin Level Four Vegeta. Super Saiya-jin Level Four Vegeta gets his ass kicked. Vegeta is saved from becoming Sensitive Vegeta…er, Vegeta the Doomed™ by Goten, Ubuu, and Yamcha, who try to beat Super Mega God Agony on their own.

Videl and Pan show up for some reason. They find out Gohan is dead. They are very sad. Sucks to be them.

Ash gets on with business by having Super Mega God Agony kick the asses of Goten, Ubuu, and Yamcha.

Vegeta wakes up only to find Goku with him. Goku is also a SSJ4, which he apparently became when people weren't looking because Ash Deems It Convient. They decide to fuse.

Pan decides to claim revenge, and then somehow strikes Agony with a blow that is totally composed of love. Turns out Super Mega God Agony doesn't like this, and she corrupts Pan's mind by saying many bad words, before grabbing Pan to do many bad things. Pan is saved by Super Saiya-jin Level Four Gogeta. Super Mega God Agony is ticked.

Super Mega God Agony faces Super Saiya-jin Level Four Gogeta. She gets her ass kicked.

Gogeta proves that neither of his fused parts learned from the last time as Agony cheats again and starts blowing up contienents for souls, making her Super Turbo Ultra Mega Ultimate Omni God Agony.

Super Saiya-jin Level Four Gogeta stands around for about an hour before deciding he should do something other then express horror.

Super Saiya-jin Four Gogeta faces Super Turbo Ultra Mega Ultimate Omni God Agony (and Matt though he had it tough…). Gogeta gets his ass kicked. Super Turbo Ultra Mega Ultimate Omni God Agony blows up more parts of the planet.

Kaiou-sama contacts Gogeta and tells him to form a special Genki Dama that has the love of people in it. He should have just hired the Beatles, but hey, heroes always do things the hard way. Gogeta starts, which Super Turbo Ultra Mega Ultimate Omni God Agony doesn't notice because she's too busy blowing up stuff. But eventually there's nothing left, so she flies down to get Pan again. Everyone tries to stop Agony. They all get their asses kicked. Pan is saved at the last minute by Erik, who finally decides to go into action…now that Agony is Super Turbo Ultra Mega Ultimate Omni God Agony. Brilliant. Erik manages to talk Super Turbo Ultra Mega Ultimate Omni God Agony into powering down to just Agony. Agony, of course, does so, and Ash shows he's run out of ideas for fight scenes by just doing some dramatic descriptions.

Meanwhile, Gogeta forms his ball. Hehhehehehehheheh, I said ball, hehhehhehheheheh.

Agony grows tired of playing fair and starts kicking Erik's ass. Serves him right, maybe he'll lay off the speeches and guilt in the sequel. Agony then kisses Erik. Erik is suitably disgusted. Agony then finally notices the giant blue ball being formed above her. Erik tries to stop her, but fails miserably. Instead of just taking out Gogeta, Agony decides to start blowing up the planets that he's taking the energy from, stealing billions of souls and making her…ah, forget it!

Gogeta tries to decide whether to throw the Genki Dama. Agony dares him to. Then the souls in Agony rebel and start giving the ball more power. Agony is ticked. Erik gloats. Agony tries to kill Erik and fails. Gogeta finally tosses the ball.

And Agony proves to be the smartest DBZ villian EVER by just dodging it. Everyone is shocked. Agony acts smug.

Then Erik throws the ball back up. Gogeta unfuses just in time for Vegeta to smash Agony into the ball. Agony apparently finds a Monty Python film in the ball as she laughs her head off before she is destroyed in many fancy fireworks. Everyone celebrates. Erik feels guilt.

Goku fetches the Dragon Balls, only to find that their power isn't enough to undo all of Agony's damage. Everyone wonders what to do. Erik takes a break from feeling guilt by trying to make a speech, but he can't think of one, so he just wishes he never threw Agony into the Dragon Ballverse. Everyone dislikes this notion of bringing Agony back in exchange for returning all the things Agony took. Erik does it anyway, so he can have more chances to feel guilt. The Dragon grants it. Erik goes back to his world, making one last speech before he does, and everything gets fixed. Everyone is united with their loved ones, and I die from diabetes due to the massive sweetness overload.

Goku thanks Erik.

Goten proposes to Marron.

Sensitive Vegeta makes his hopefully last appearance by thanking Erik. I suppose he has a right.

Erik feels guilt. His friend Christine comforts him. Erik decides the guilt joke has been overdone and goes off to kill people. Christine gives her blessing.

Agony lives. CH CH CH AH AH AH! Enough said.

Well, that's it. If people liked this guide, I may do one for Ash's sequel, Atrocities, if I finish reading it within the next year. That's it. The guide's over. No more. Why are you still reading this? Go away! May the Schwartz be with you!


End file.
